Confessions of a P Off Paramedic
by The Flaming Dragonfly
Summary: The final installment in The Streak series.  Just more silly stuff I wrote a long time ago.


Part three in The Streak series.

I don't own Emergency or the characters, and I'm certainly not making any money from them.

No warnings, except the dubious subject matter.

Confessions of a P***** Off Paramedic

I seriously considered killing Chet. After the tenth joke at my expense, I was ready to strangle him and toss his body in a ditch somewhere. Of course, Johnny's body would have been right next to his, because I would have already killed him.

Believe it or not, though, thoughts of revenge didn't enter my head until a week after the pink tutu incident. Oh, sure, I was angry. I mean, who wouldn't be after the stunt Johnny pulled? The laughs that followed me nearly drove me to murder, but I managed to stifle my instincts. I tried to ignore the Phantom and his pigeon, and was fairly successful…until the following shift.

Five new nurses pushed me over my limit.

"Five new nurses! And they're all single, Roy!" Then the leer, the grin, the confident sigh as Johnny leaned back on the couch and clasped his hands behind his head.

"So when are you going to ask them out?" Marco innocently asked.

"Oh, our first trip into Rampart will allow me the opportunity," Johnny replied, winking at me.

I nearly killed him right there. It wasn't enough that he had embarrassed me beyond belief with his idea of a joke, but his girl-craziness just rubbed me the wrong way. I guess I was already on such a short fuse that anything he did would have made me grind my teeth.

He drove me nuts with his constant planning. He pestered me all morning to make a supply run when we didn't get called out, and then when we finally got a run and it turned out to be a very simple hand-in-a-fence rescue, I thought Johnny would push me aside and drive into Rampart anyway.

"What makes you so sure they'll even go out with you?" I asked as we headed back to the station.

He looked at me like I had just grown a second head. His hand splayed across his chest. "Roy, I can't believe you'd even say something like that!"

I glanced over at him. "Why?"

He grinned. "Because I'm me!" he replied simply.

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say.

"Besides," he went on, oblivious to my growing impatience with him, "I actually have a much more serious problem."

"No kidding," I muttered.

"I have to decide," he said, either not hearing me or choosing to ignore me, "which nurse to take out first. And I have devised a set of criteria to use in my selection process."

I stared at him for as long as I could and still maintain speed and direction while driving. "You have a set of criteria…"

"That's right. I mean, I need to choose the proper girl to take out first. But I need to decide if I want to take out the most attractive girl first, or the second-most attractive girl first. Y'see, Roy, I have a dilemma. If I take out the most attractive girl first, there is a possibility that I will become spoiled by her and I won't be as eager to take out the others. But if I take out the second-most attractive girl first, then I'll still have the more attractive girl to look forward to!"

"So why don't you take out the ugliest girl first?" I couldn't help myself.

His eyebrows stood up. "Now that's a thought…but…no, that won't work. I don't want to take out an ugly girl…Roy, how could you even suggest a thing like that?"

I shrugged. "Oh, just my silly married mind, I guess." Why was I continuing?

"Well, anyway, Roy, you're out of practice. I mean, I have substantially more experience with women than you do."

I didn't look at him. I knew that my face was red, and I wondered if he had any idea how much he was annoying me.

"Johnny, just because I'm married—"

"Roy, you and I are in different leagues. That's all I'm saying."

I couldn't stand anymore. "Johnny, I may be married, but I do know a thing or two about women. And if I wasn't married, I'd be just as active as you are. And I certainly wouldn't rank women according to their attractiveness!"

"That's…I didn't…Roy…you know what I meant…"

"I know exactly what you meant," I growled back at him.

He was silent for a moment, and I wondered how he was going to react. Contrite or outraged?

Outraged. "You know what your problem is, Roy? You're jealous. Admit it. When we finally get to Rampart, I'm going to be surrounded by five young women, and they won't even know you're ALIVE because you're MARRIED! You're TAKEN, while I'm SINGLE and AVAILABLE!"

You're also about to be beaten to a pulp.

"Fine. Whatever." The beginnings of my plan had just hatched, and as I pulled into the station I knew exactly what I needed to do. Destroy John Gage.

Well, okay. Not destroy him, but wound him a bit. Make him squirm while I watched. Embarrass the hell out of him.

Unfortunately, the idea that sprouted was one that would involve me. Intimately. And I wasn't at all sure that I could pull it off. As I climbed out of the squad I wondered how my mind had even invented such a plan. Maybe all those years with Johnny had caused me to develop a masochistic streak.

The first thing that I did was call Dixie. For my plan to work I needed to take her into my confidence. She listened to my idea, laughed for two solid minutes, then told me that I was crazy. The call finished with her promising to keep my secret and to arrange for the new nurses to be available when Johnny and I arrived to pick up supplies.

I left the privacy of Cap's office and nearly ran into John.

"Uh, how about a supply run to Rampart?" I asked awkwardly, wondering if he had overheard anything.

A huge grin provided my answer. "Sounds great!" He slapped me on the back. "No hard feelings, huh?"

I found my own smile. "None."

He nodded his head. "Good. I wasn't trying to be mean. It's just reality, Roy, that chicks are going to be drawn to me."

"Yep. Let's go." I had to get away from him. My courage couldn't fail me now, with victory so close.

The drive to Rampart was torture personified. Johnny chattered incessantly. He wondered if the new nurses would be around. I forced myself to keep from laughing out loud. But the closer we got to Rampart the more I wondered if I'd be able to go through with my revenge. What would the nurses think? What would Johnny think? What would JOANNE think?

My mouth was so dry I could hardly swallow, and my sweaty hands slipped on the steering wheel as I backed into the ambulance bay. Johnny jumped out and headed inside. I followed some distance behind. What had I gotten myself into?

I saw Dixie at the desk, and as promised she had rounded up the new nurses. They surrounded Dix, but their attention was focused on my partner. Of course he was flirting with them, leaning against the desk with one hand on his hip. I excused my way through the nurses and imagined Johnny assessing them according to how pretty they were. He'd have a difficult time of it. They were all attractive. Naturally.

Dixie caught my eye and winked. I tried to wink back but my face was frozen. She must have seen my terror because she nonchalantly sidled from behind the desk and joined me.

"Pink tutu," she murmured, placing one well-manicured hand on my arm.

I smiled at her. "Right," I said.

Revenge. I could do this. I remembered the embarrassment and humiliation I had endured when I had been forced to wear that ridiculous pink tutu. I remembered the patient who refused to let me get near him. And I remembered Johnny's explanation: that they let me wear the tutu so that I wouldn't parade around the station naked.

Yes, Johnny was going to pay.

I forced my feet to move, to carry me the short distance to Johnny. I stood next to him, touched his arm to get his attention. He was so busy grinning at the nurses that I had to literally pinch his arm to get his attention. He turned toward me, his smile twisted into an exclamation of pain, and I knew that I had to act. It was now or never. Swiftly, before he could react, I grabbed his shoulders and pressed my lips onto his.

His eyes grew wide but I think he was too shocked to move. I kept my lips on his for perhaps five seconds. Just long enough to ensure that everybody saw us. Then I pulled away. The look on Johnny's face made me flush with satisfaction. His eyes were huge, his mouth hung open, his color was ghostly white. He closed his mouth, dropped it open again, then snapped it shut. I could see that he had been holding his breath, for his face was beginning to turn red. I was almost afraid that he was going to pass out, so as I passed through the flabbergasted nurses, I paused to administer a slap to Johnny's behind. I mean, what did I have to lose?

I walked down the hall, my chest heaving, my heart pounding. I couldn't believe that I had actually gone through with it. I heard the first shocked voices, and I just had to look.

Johnny stood next to the desk, his eyes seemingly locked on the floor. The new nurses had moved away from him, and were crowded together, whispering and glancing at Johnny. A few looked my way.

Beyond them I saw Drs. Early and Brackett staring at Johnny and myself from the end of the hall. Uh-oh. They had seen all. I trusted that Dixie would eventually tell them.

I hoped so, anyway.

Well, it didn't matter. I had gotten Johnny, and I had gotten him good. I sat in the squad for two or three minutes, still shaking like crazy but smiling, too.

At last the passenger side door opened and Johnny slipped in. He sat as far away from me as possible.

I had to torture him.

"So did you get a date with one of the new nurses?"

He looked at me, and his expression was murderous.

"Well? Which one are you taking out first?" I asked as I pulled the squad away from Rampart.

He glared at me, and I knew that I was about to become the recipient of a barrage of expletives. Before he could begin I reached across and nudged his arm.

"Come on," I said, "let's kiss and make up."

Johnny erupted, and as he called me every name in the book I laughed and realized that my days were numbered.

Oh boy…


End file.
